As they entered the dojo, Ranma quickly pulled Akane to the side.
"You okay, Akane?"
	She glared at him "That's a funny thing to ask, Ranma."
	"It is?"
	"Well, I might not be okay . . ."
	"Because of turnin' invisible? Don't worry, the hentai and the old
ghoul will figure somethin' out. It was clever of you t'get the ghoul
friendly with you. Shampoo, too." He bit his lip. "Sorry about the kiss."
	"That isn't what I'm angry about, Ranma."
	He looked at her with puppy eyes. "It isn't?"
	"No. Ranma, I'm not on the Pill."
	He shrugged. "So? I don't take medicine neither, Akane. Martial
artist don't get sick, much."
	"Not a pill, Ranma, _the_ Pill."
	"There's a difference?"
	Akane shook her head. How dense could he be? "Oral contraceptives,
Ranma." He still had a blank look on his face. "Birth control."
	"And we . . ."
	"I trust you remember last night as well as I do."
	He whistled tunelessly, nervously. "And what exactly does that mean?"
	"There's a chance I could have gotten pregnant."
	"Damn. They'd marry us right away."
	"How astute of you to notice."
	There was a pained silence. Finally, Ranma spoke. "So, what are we
gonna do now?"
	"I'll hope I get my period withing the next month. If there are any
repeats of last night, you better have condoms. And never take advantage of
me again, like you did then. I was in an altered state, so to say. No more
invisible forays into the furo."
	"Ummm, I guess that's okay."
	"Good. Now let's listen to what Happosai has to say about my ring."
	They were halfway to the main room of the Tendou house when Ranma
said, softly, "I'm sorry about this, Akane."
	"I know."

	Ryouga had bought his shadow companion, Ying-tse, some clothes with
the last of his money. It made him feel a lot more at ease when he could
see exactly where his newfound ally was located. Ying-tse hadn't protested
that much. One had to admit, the shadowy one had good taste in togs. Black
trenchcoat. Grey fedora. Motorcycle boots. Black pants. Sunglasses. Ryouga
had even lent him one of his bandanas for the use of a hatband.
	They'd managed to avoid too many people before the clothing was
purchased. There had been a young girl leading what looked to be a member
of the Society of Creative Anachronism (a group Ryouga had encountered that
time he got lost after cutting Akane's hair), but that was no trouble at
all. The Scadian saw nothing odd about talking shadows and her guide said
nothing about the matter, even though Ryouga, obliviousness
notwithstanding, could notice she was startled.
	They had been looking for a certain tree, which the Scadian said
contained her brother. Ryouga had gladly directed her to the big tree that
looked like someone was living in it. Somewhere in that National Park in
Sausalito, a teenager and a pseudo-Scadian were swearing very loudly.
	Tonight, though, they had found two nice young men in similar
trenchcoats willing to share a campfire. Aaron and William, he thought
their names were. No, that wasn't right. Alaric and Simian? No, not that
either. Well, Ryouga  have would rather not embarrass Ying-tse and himself
by admitting that he didn't quite catch their nominatives, so he said
nothing.
	The four of them were working on some kind of wargame simulation,
from what the two boys had explained. Something to do with turning a school
building into a deathtrap which needed to finished in a week or two. Must
be some kind of convention happening in that part of North America then.
	Ryouga had not been as good of a help as he would have hoped he
would be. Try as he might, he had no idea of strategy for anything
involving weapons more complicated than an umbrella or perhaps a telephone
pole. Ying-tse, however, proved to be quite adept at this type of
organization, provided that each type of weapon was described to him in
detail. As he watched the shade bent over the boy's map, Ryouga made note
in his "Presents for Akane, Ways to Crush Ranma, and Other Good Ideas"
notebook that his companion could make a killing designing computer games.
	Akane wasn't there, of course, but Ryouga expected he was as happy
as he could be under the circumstances. In other words, any Shishi
Houkoudan he let off now would be miniscule, perhaps the size of a pea.


Insane Banana Productions
in association with

The Niichuan Ninja Foundation for Kunoichi
and
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
presents

"One Pig to Rule them All"
written by Becky Malsin

A crossover between
Ranma Nibun no Ichi and Tolkein's Middle Earth

Chapter Two: "Happosai . . . the Hobbit?"


	Tendou Soun felt like he was about to cry. This was nothing new, as
Soun had often felt on the verge of tears since his poor wife Mochiko
(kamisama rest her soul) had developed breast cancer all those years ago.
Soun cried for many things. He cried if an ice cream bar bought at the
beach tasted good. He cried if the Master blamed his burglaries on Genma
and himself. He cried particularly hard when the usual suspects were
rounded up and ensconced in council.
	Given the frequency of the latter in the last year, it was amazing
the Tendou home was yet to be flooded. Although things had been moderately
quiet (barring the noodle incident) since the failed post-Jusendou wedding,
reflexes are hard to break and one of Soun's was that war councils are not
good signs and accordingly responded to by tears. This occasion was no
different.
	His youngest and her iinazuke were back from wherever they had been
together. Soun's tears briefly turned to ones of joy, since the two of them
seemed to be getting on so well today. Soun made a mental note to talk to
Genma about the next big marriage plan.
	Then Soun realized that the reason his daughter and her iinazuke
were getting along well was the fact that in the last twenty-four hours she
had become cursed to be invisible and his tears turned to that of grief.
	So it goes.
	Out of the corner of his eye Soun could see his eldest place the
night's meal on the row of hot plates she had bought a month ago. Kasumi
had said something about not wanting to be left out because of having to
cook. As soon as she had all ten plates of food set out she entered the
main room.
	Finally the Master cleared his throat. "All right, how many of you
have read 'The Lord of the Rings?'"
	"What does this have to do with anything?" Soun's middle child asked.
	The Master sighed. "I'll tell you in a second. Please, answer the
question, Nabiki-chan."
	"Sure. It was assigned to my class back in third junior high."
	"And you, Kasumi-chan?"
	Soun's eldest smiled. "Of course, Happosai-sofu. Kaasan gave me her
copy when she died."
	"Akane-chan?"
	"First Kaasan, then Kasumi read 'The Hobbit' to me. And we read the
other books at school."
	"Tendou?"
	"Not for years. Not since Mochiko . . . WAAAAH!!!" Soun started to
cry his "The Master just reminded me of my departed wife's (may she rest in
peace) favorite book!" cry.
	"Saotome?"
	"That's more my wife's type of thing . . . honorable master. But I
know the basis of the plot."
	"Nodoka-chan?"
	"What do you think, you creepy little halfling?"
	"I'll take that as a yes. I know Khu Lon-chan and Shan Pu-chan
have, so that leaves Ranma-chan."
	Akane's iinazuke glared at the Master. "Never heard of it, old
lech, and that's _Ranma-kun_."
	His mother corrected him. "Nonsense! I read it to you as a baby!"
	"My memory barely stretches back to leaving home with Oyaji,
Okufuro. You prob'ly did but I don't remember it."
	Nabiki frowned. "Hey, you still haven't told us why the heck you've
been asking this?"
	The Master puffed on his pipe and leaned back. "I am a hobbit," he
mentioned nonchalantly.
	Genma gaped. So did Soun. Ditto on the part of Nabiki. Of course,
she managed to put her jaw back into place in less than a minute. Ranma
turned to Akane. "Err, Akane? What's a hobbit?"
	"A short person who eats a lot, has furry feet, and steals rings,"
she whispered back.
	Ranma took a good look at the Master's feet for the first time.
"Oh. Sounds like the old lech t'me. Is the old ghoul one too?"
	"No. Cologne-san is a half-elf."
	Ranma seemed to be pondering that statement. Finally, he asked,
"Those are like tengu and oni, right?"
	Akane shrugged. "Sorta. They don't come from space, though."
	"Makes sense. If they were aliens, they'd be in Tomobiki and not
Furinkan, wouldn't they? Don't we get the martial arts weirdness and they
get outer space junk?"
	"I _think_ so." Akane paused, as if trying to remember something.
She sighed. "That's where Happosai's cousin lives, anyway."
	In a vacant lot in another part of Nerima ward, a demented Buddhist
monk sneezed violently as he stirred his Stewpot of Prophecy.
	"Tendou! Saotome! Stop gaping like a pair of idiots!" the Master
screeched. Soun looked at Genma. Time for the Fierce Tiger Crouch.
	"Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai!"
	The Master rolled his eyes. "If you two could get off the floor,
I'd like to continue . . ."
	Soun and Genma shamefully complied. The Master took a puff on his
pipe. "As I was saying before those two idiots started their little act, I
am a hobbit. My full name is Tsuuku Happosai, or Happosai Took. Insofar as
there is anything of our ancestral home left, I am the Thain of the Greater
Smials of the Shire. My linage goes back to two personages mentioned in
that publication, mainly Samwise Gardener and Peregrin Took."
	Soun noticed that Ranma was whispering to Akane. He strained to
hear them. "I don't understand nothin' the lech is saying."
	His fiancee sighed. "I'll tell you later."
	Happosai coughed an attention getting cough. "The ring that
Akane-chan wears around her neck is Sauron's One Ring. Until a few days
ago, the general concensus was that it had been melted down in the volcano
in which it had been forged. That was the night before the Furinkan
Koutougakkou 2nd year class trip. Khu-chan and I were looking over the Red
Book when we noticed something.
	"What we noticed was the name of the person who had made the maps
of Mordor. It was sign in almost illegible writing at the bottom, but we
were able to make it out. The name of that mapmaker was Carak Hibiki. We
knew then that our ancestors may have not made it to their goal and devised
our Emergency Ring Resurfacing Plan. And that leads us up to the present."
	Ranma smirked. "Seems like even Ryouga's ancestors were always lost."
	The Master tapped the bowl of his pipe. "Exactly, Ranma-chan."
	"Ranma-kun!"
	The Master shrugged. "Whatever. The important thing is that we have
it and we can dispose of it. We'll do it the old fashioned way, of course.
All we need is enough men to form a new nine-person fellowship and we can
set out to find the real Mount Doom."
	"Luckily," spoke an ancient voice, "we already have a third of the
fellowship established." Soun turned to the corner of the room where
Cologne and Shampoo were sitting. The centenarian smiled. "Tendou Akane
will go to carry the Ring. My granddaughter Shan Pu will go as emissary for
both the Joketsuzoku and the Pelendril. Saotome Ranma, of course, will go
for his mother's people."
	Akane looked at her future mother-in-law. "Does she mean the
Nihonjin, obasan?"
	Nodoka looked back with impassive eyes. "She may. Khu Lon-san may
also mean that Ranma will go as an emissary of the Free People, or
unenslaved nations, but since the Joketsuzoku are included in that, despite
having to resort to trickery to keep their status as a sovereign state, she
may mean that he should go for the nation of my ancestry."
	Ranma frowned. "Ain't Niigata just a city, though?"
	Soun could see that Nodoka was slowly becoming frustrated with her
boy. "My dear son, Niigata is the ancestral home of the Saotomes. My
family, the Hoshi, comes from a very different place. In ancient times they
called it Gondor."
	"Oh. Don't mean nothing to me. Is it important, Okufuro?"
	"Ranma, the Hoshi are descended from the youngest daughter of one
of the rulers. That monarch was a contemporary of yon hentai hobbit's
ancestors."
	Ranma grinned in understanding. "I'm royalty? Kuno will plotz!"
	Barring the Master and the Chinese contingent, the conspirators
shouted as one. "PLOTZ!?!?!?"
	Nabiki shook her head. "Where in the world did you hear such
language? I never heard slang like that until I first visited Wall Street."
	Something was not right. Soun was sure of it. "Since when did you
go to New York?"
	"Last summer. The first two weeks of August."
	Soun started crying his "My middle daughter has once again decieved
me!" cry. "Naabiiikiii! You said that you went up to Hokkaido with the
Honda girls!"
	Nabiki laughed nervously. "We'll get back to me and Wall Street
later. I want to know what's up with Ranma."
	Ranma coughed. "The ghoul . . . err, Cologne sometimes says it."
	Shampoo spoke for the first time since the counsel had started.
"Hibachan always talk like that. So did great-grandfather."
	The Master laughed out loud. "Since when did Fao Tin start talking
in ethnic slang?"
	"I never married Fao Tin," Cologne stated primly.
	"WHAT? But your mother was set on the two of you!"
	"I found another outsider. One that she could grudgingly accept.
Fao Tin married Sha Wa after failing to beat up Max, my _real_ husband."
	The Master took a long drag on his pipe. "Heh. With a brain like
his and eyes like hers . . ."
	"Exactly. Mu Si was inevitable."
	There was a silence while the entire party contemplated genetics.
Then Soun, who had been curious about something for the last few minutes,
timidly asked, "Did you know of Nodoka-san's genetics when you trained us,
honorable master?"
	The Master stared at his pupil in amazement. "Did I know? the
overgrowned baby asks. Damn straight I knew of Nadoka-chan's lineage!" He
pointed an accusing finger at Genma. "Do you think I would have trained
such a useless heap of flesh as he if I hadn't known he was to be married
to the last of Aragorn's house? He's a fat lazy thief! The son of
innkeepers! The entire Saotome-ryu before I came around consisted of tips
for pickpockets!"
	Genma bristled. "My uncle Bonma practiced the Art of the Honorable
Thief. He trained me well, although I must admit that his honor is
certainly more substantial my humble own. Master or not, I will not have
you insult him." He laughed harshly. "I've seen you use Bonma-oji's
techniques time and again. I wouldn't be suprised if you learned from one
of his predecessors."
	"Burglary is an ancient art with an honored background among my
people," the hobbit sniffed. "However, you are one of the larger species of
man and robbery should be disgraceful to you." He looked over to Soun, who
was busy crying over the public shaming of his old friend. "I wouldn't have
taken on your crybaby friend, either, if you two weren't inseparable. The
things I have done to be able to train Nodoka's child!"
	Through his tears Soun could see that his future son-in-law was a
master of the art of akanbe. "You ain't been doing such a hot job, old
lech! Biiida!"
	Tension mounted. Genma and the master started screaming at each
other. Soun began his newest cry, entitled, "My  youngest daughter found
the most evil magical artifact in the history of the world and she's either
going to become evil herself or get killed trying to destroy it!"
	Kasumi then took the time to smile at the assembled group. In
quiet, measured tones she advised the rest of the conspirators. "How about
we eat supper and discuss this tomorrow morning? I'm sure everyone will be
in better tempers by then."
	That smile melted everyone's resolve. Suddenly, her idea seemed the
most logical choice. Kasumi knew this, of course.

	Ranma was quite suprised to see Shampoo in Akane's room that night.
After reflecting on the events of the night before, he had come to the
conclusion that he needed to talk to his iinazuke. He had figured out,
after a bit of thought, that it simply wasn't fair to Akane if he acted
like what had happened had never occured.
	Besides that, he was hoping that he and Akane could it again, this
time when she was visible.
	Thus, Ranma had made his decision to knock on Akane's door and talk
to her. He was not at all prepared to see the Joketsuzoku girl greet him.
She was wearing a nightgown that was amazingly chaste looking instead of
her usual cheongsams.
	"You're stayin' the night, Shampoo?"
	She smiled at him. "Can't airen see that?"
	"Well, y'do wear pajamas most of the time. Durin' the day, I mean."
	She looked at him quizzically. "Shampoo no wear pajamas in daytime."
	Akane's voice came from the far corner of the room. "Baka. Do we
call your tangs pajamas?"
	"No. Why would you?"
	"Oh never mind. You're too stupid to understand."
	Ranma readied his mouth, "Kawa . . ." and then shut it. He wasn't
going to fall into that trap tonight. He liked Akane. She liked him. He
mentally repeated those two facts in his head.
	Besides, he wasn't sure if he had been hallucinating, but Akane had
sounded . . . well, she had sounded sort of hurt.
	Shampoo looked at him with something that he suspected was pity.
"Airen, you go. Akane not in good mood tonight. Let Shampoo take care of
Akane." Ranma started to protest, but his second fiancee placed a finger on
his mouth. "Go. Shampoo can handle her." He meekly nodded.
	When Ranma got to the stareway, however, he lingered for a moment.
He cocked a ear towards the familiar door with its duck-shaped sign. Was he
really hearing . . .?
	He was. Akane was sobbing. After a minute or two, he heard a voice
singing:

	"'Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose,
	  Shall I ever see thee wed?'
	 'I will marry at thy will,
	  Sire, at thy will.'"

	It was in English, a whaddyacallit where a person repeated the same
song over and over again. A "round," that was what the word was. Ranma
couldn't understand most of the words, except that there was something
about flowers and weddings. A girl's song.
	And yet . . . it was beautiful. Ranma was very much the boy's boy
when he was in male form and deep down he knew that with the way he acted
in his female form he had no right to call Akane a tomboy. Given his usual
behavior, it would suprise many that Ranma had developed somewhat of an
aesthetic sensibility.
	Others, however, would not be suprised. It was a natural outgrowth
of being the object of affection to four girls who, each in her own way,
could be called beautiful. The appreciation of beauty had been taught to
him through Shampoo's exotic looks, Kodachi's version of elegance, Ukyou's
mastering of "the girl next door," and even, maybe especially, Akane.
	Ranma sat down on the stairs and pictured Akane as he had seen her
when he first really looked at her. Sweat gathering on her brow, brown eyes
on fire, radiant in her white gi. It had been just a scant ten minutes
before the two of them had wrecked everything. It took until Jusendou for
them to pick up the pieces . . . and then the unfortunate wedding had
smashed it to bits again.
	He had hoped that the two of them had gotten a third chance. In a
way, last night had been all he had ever wished for. Everything, except for
two things. The first was that he wished that he could have seen her. He
wanted to have been able to see into her dark eyes, just as she had been
able to look into his light ones.
	He had wanted to see her face. It was funny, but her face was what
really explained how Ranma saw how she looked. If he looked at one part of
her face, say her nose, her ears, or her little-seen smile, she was the
most kawaii thing in the world. Looking at her entire face, however, Ranma
saw the opposite of kawaii. He wasn't sure what it was, since it certainly
wasn't ugly. It spoke of strength, of hurt, of perseverance. He had, in the
end, labled it Akane-ness, and left a real definition to someone who was
more eloquent than he was.
	The second thing Ranma had wanted was to have kissed Akane. He had
already, in a way, but felt those times had not counted. He had either been
forced to or she had or the both of them. Even the night before, Akane had
only kissed him and never on the face. Ranma wanted to someday kiss Akane
on the mouth, with both of them willing.
	He wondered if that day would ever come.
	The crying sounds had stopped. A second voice had joined in with
singing the song. It was more sad than the other voice, but both voices
were equally clear. It was Akane's voice and Ranma suddenly realised that
the first singer had been Shampoo. The Joketsuzoku's soprano blended well
with his iinazuke's mezzo.
	Ranma, himself, wishing for his female voice, started to sing along
as he slowly began his descent down the stairs, although he could hardly
understand the words:

	"'Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose,
	  Shall I ever see thee wed?'
	 'I will marry at thy will,
	  Sire, at thy will.'"

	Ranma went to bed that night wondering what he had done wrong.

	Ukyou watched with interest as Hinako-sensei brought the new
student up to the front of the class. "Children?" The entire class, save
two, directed their attention to the front of the room. Inwardly, most were
swearing at the fate that had moved the childlike teacher to be the
homeroom teacher of class 2-F this year. To a man, the new class 2-F had
hoped that they had escaped her.
	There was an edge to Hinako-sensei's voice. "Children!"
	Hiroshi and Daisuke were still pouring over their manga. It was one
of those with a brown paper cover, Ukyou noticed. "CHILDREN!!!"
	Ukyou cringed as she prepared for the inevitable. "DELINQUENTS!
HAPPO GO-EN SATSU!!!"
	As the fragile husks of the twosome collapsed onto their desks, the
grown Hinako-sensei cleared her throat. "Ah, that's better. Now, class, I
want you to meet your new classmate: Chaukikiang Shan Pu."
	The boys in the class, save Ranchan, started hooting. Naturally,
they shared the fate of Daisuke and Hiroshi. "Now, Chaukikiang-san, could
you say a few words for us."
	The Chinese girl nodded. "Nihao! Shampoo too too happy to join
Japanese high school! Now she get to see airen and Akane and even spatula
girl every day! Also, Shampoo improve her Nihongo now!"
	"Shampoo desperately needs to improve her Nihongo," the "spatula
girl" muttered. Who was Shampoo kidding? Did she think that dressing in
normal seifuku and going to school would make Ranchan take her seriously?
Hah. Everyone but Shampoo knew that the Joketsuzoku was out of the running.
It was between Ukyou and Akane now, and Ukyou was not going to let the
tomboy take the lead.
	Especially now that Akane was giving her voice to Ukyou's
subconscious. Ukyou supressed a shiver. She hoped she wasn't going mad. She
really hoped she wasn't going mad. She remembered what had happened to her
aunt Ukkari and that was something she never wanted to happen to her.
Hadn't Ukkari-oba started out by hearing voices?
	So Ukyou did what she usually did most of the morning: watch the
competition. Hinako-sensei had seated the little bimbo next to Akane of all
people! Did she want to have to drain the two of them constantly?
	Heh. A note, in Ranchan's handwriting. His messy scrawl was
instantly recognizable. She opened it:

	AKANE? (it read) DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? I THOUGHT WE WERE
FRIENDS NOW. PLEASE, JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID. (signed) YOUR IINAZUKE, RANMA.

	Akane!?!? Ukyou quickly turned to the front. While focusing in on
the handwriting she had neglected to check who it was addressed to. Ukyou
scowled, then passed it on to her competition.
	Less than five minutes later, the note came back. Making sure
nobody saw her, Ukyou peeked inside:

	RANMA? (read the round handwriting) I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO
YOU RIGHT NOW. AS FOR WHAT YOU DID . . . YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. DON'T
BOTHER ME AND SHAN PU DURING LUNCH. (signed) YOUR IINAZUKE, AKANE.

	Heh. Since when was Shampoo's name two words long? There was
another message below Akane's own, in some of the most elegant script Ukyou
had ever seen:

	AIREN? (Ukyou read) AKANE STILL IN BAD MOOD. SHAN PU WILL TRY MAKE
HER BETTER, BUT IT UPHILL WORK. SHAN PU WONDER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID
SATURDAY TO MAKE HER SO ANGRY. WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT AKANE LATER TONIGHT.
(signed) YOUR FRIEND, SHAN PU. P.S. PLEASE PICK UP REST OF SHAN PU'S THINGS
TONIGHT AT NEKOHANTEN.

	Something was up. Ranchan was being nice, almost submissive to
Akane. Akane and Shampoo were getting along. Shampoo had good handwriting.
Shampoo was possibly staying at the Tendou's. This needed some
investigation and luckily, Ranchan was free during lunch. Ukyou passed the
note along and watched the clock for the lunch hour to begin.
	When it finally came around, Ukyou grabbed hold of her fiancee.
"C'mon, Ranchan, you're going to eat lunch with me." He looked over his
shoulder to Akane and Shampoo, sighed, and nodded.
	Heh. He was going to be a hard nut to crack. No matter. Ukyou
dragged him out to a sunny spot on the Furinkan Koutougakkou lawn and
whipped out two bento full of okonomiyaki. She smiled at Ranchan.
"Itadakimasu!" she cried.
	He raised a gloomy chopstick at her and smiled wanly. She frowned.
He was eating some sick-looking thing that Akane had probably made.
	"Ranchan! I make you a special bento and you eat some grimy thing
of Akane's?"
	He gave her an embarrassed grin. "Sorry, Ucchan. I wasn't thinkin'."
	"Evidently you weren't, sugar. Something's on your mind. Tell me
about it, Ranchan."
	"I can't."
	"Why not? Aren't I your oldest and best friend?"
	"Well, yeah, Ucchan, but . . ."
	Ukyou rolled her eyes. "Then tell me. If you can't tell me all,
then tell me what you can."
	Ranchan took a deep breath. "It's Akane. Friday night, after we got
back from the school trip, I had thought we were friends again. I mean, we
did stuff together and only fought once. I got to thinkin', maybe this
engagement between her and me was gonna work."
	"Then . . ." Ukyou prompted.
	"Then I did somethin' and now she's mad at me and busy avoiding me."
	"What did you do?"
	"I don't know, not exactly. And all the things I can think of are
things that I can't tell you."
	Ukyou raised an eyebrow. "Did you kiss her?" She prayed that he
would say no. She had this sinking feeling that if Ranchan kissed someone
out of his own will, then the competition would be over.
	He looked down, whistfully. "Nope."
	Good, Ukyou thought. She bit her lip. Even if he hadn't kissed her,
she didn't think things were going so well. Ukyou had this sudden,
frightening thought that Ranchan was already lost to her. Akane had gained
so much of the lead after Jusendou that the only chance any of the others
had was to get at Ranchan when the tomboy was avoiding him. That strategy
was working not very well today.
	Ukyou, impulsively, asked what she was most worried of. "Ranchan?
Tell me the truth. When was the last time you really considered marrying
me?"
	He raised his light eyes to her sandelwood ones. "The truth,
Ucchan?" She nodded. "Not since Akane was almost dead. After that, I was so
happy that she was alive that almost no one else mattered. Not Plum, not
the baby Saffron, not anyone. And when you, Kodachi, and Shampoo destroyed
the second wedding . . ."
	"What then?" Ukyou whispered.
	"Me and Akane started fighting again, sure, but I can't marry any
of you now. I still think of you and Shampoo as friends, sorta, but that
moment the two of you came in with those bombs, y'wrecked any chance for
anything more. I kinda felt, well, a bit betrayed, y'know?"
	"Oh." Ukyou felt slightly numb, all of a sudden.
	"Ucchan, I'm sorry. Believe me, before all of that I was seriously
thinking about marrying you if me and Akane didn't work out and believe me,
lotsa times I thought me and Akane could never. You were my best friend. I
get along with you great. Marrying you would have made a bunch of people
happy, espescially you. I think I would have liked runnin' the Ucchan's
with you."
	"Really?"
	"Yep. Of course, sometimes I thought about marrying Shampoo, too.
With my curse I coulda had the best of both worlds in the Joketsuzoku
village. The old ghoul could of helped me with my training. I'd figure some
way to get around the Nekoken. Shampoo wouldn't have to cut her hair."
	Ukyou was puzzled. "Why would she have to cut her hair?"
	"Nabiki told me 'bout that. Seems that with the Joketsuzoku, hair
is a really big status symbol. Women wear their hair in long, fancy styles
to show-off of their skill. You've seen Mousse's hair, right? Well, they
let him grow it out 'cause he was the best martial artist of all the guys
our age. If Shampoo returned without marrying me, they'd cut her hair as
short as Akane's. It's supposedly an even worse punishment than Jusenkyou."
	"Oh."
	"Yeah, you and Akane were neck and neck for awhile, with Shampoo
just a little bit behind. Kodachi, though, never made it past the start of
the race. Last time I thought something nice about her was about a minute
after she fell from the Tendou's house. I thought she was sorta pretty.
Then she stuck a drugged bouquet in my face."
	Ukyou said nothing. She wasn't quite sure what she could say to
him. Ranchan . . . Ranma had finished with the near-inedible bento and was
standing up. "Thanks for listening, Ucchan. I'm sorry t'have hurt you."
	Then he walked away, leaving the special lunch she had prepared for
him. Ukyou felt like crying. After he was out of sight, she did cry.

	After sulking around the streets of Tokyo for the last eighteen
hours, Mu Si had returned to the Nekohanten late Sunday night. No one was
there, so he had rooted around until he had found the hidden key. There
were two notes left on the table in the kitchen. Mu Si had started to pick
them up, but his head had started to throb and he resolved to rest until it
went away.
	Mu Si woke the next morning when the sun was high. Since the old
ghoul hadn't rapped his head with her stick at dawn, he surmised that she
and his Shan Pu had yet to return. It would be no use to open up the
Nekohanten if he was the only staff.
	Well, Mu Si decided, he might as well read the letters on the table
now. After he got the nuisance of the ghoul's out of the way, he could
spend some time analysing his Shan Pu's and then figure out how he wanted
to spend his day off. He could always go bother Ranma, but that didn't seem
special enough. He smiled. That biography of Harry Houdini had been lying
around his small room for far, far too long.
	After steaming a bowl of rice for himself, Mu Si opened the first
letter:

	MU SI, (read the angular hand of the old ghoul) YOU MAY HAVE
NOTICED THAT SHAN PU AND I ARE GONE. WE WILL BE SO INDEFINITELY, SO I WILL
BE SENDING MY "SON-IN-LAW" TO PICK UP OUR THINGS.
	BY NOW, YOUR HACKLES SHOULD BE RISING SO I WILL TELL YOU THIS: FROM
WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DIG OUT OF TENDOU NABIKI, HER SISTER AKANE AND
"SON-IN-LAW" WILL BE A COUPLE BEFORE THE YEAR IS OUT.
	I AM NOT ANGRY AT THIS. ALTHOUGH GETTING SHAN PU TO MARRY HIM HAS
BEEN AN INTERESTING EXERCISE IN PERSUASION, I KNOW WHEN I AM BEAT. SHAN PU
WILL FIND ANOTHER HUSBAND OR SHE WILL DECLARE HERSELF OFF-LIMITS TO MEN.
THERE IS NO DISHONOR IN BEING A SPINSTER. AND, ALTHOUGH SHE WILL NEED A
HAIR CUT, YOU WILL NOTE THAT RI BON, MY PREDECESSOR AS HEAD OF THE COUNCIL
OF ELDERS, HAD HAIR MORE CLOSELY CROPPED THAN AKANE.
	AKANE. THAT BRINGS ME TO THE REASON SHAN PU AND I WILL BE AWAY FOR
THE DURATION. OUT OF LUCK OR DIVINE PROVIDENCE, AN ANCIENT, FEARED RELIC
HAS COME INTO HER POSESSION. STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES, MU SI. YES, I KNOW THE
NUJIEZU HAVE A LOT OF LOST ARTIFACT THAT FIT THAT DESCRIPTION. TO CLARIFY
THINGS, IT IS THAT RELIC WHOSE STORY YOU CLAIMED I STOLE FROM THAT BRITISH
PROFESSOR.
	NATURALLY SHAN PU AND I ARE OVER HELPING THE POOR CHILD DEAL WITH
HER BURDEN. YOU WILL NOT VISIT US. YOU WILL NOT FOLLOW "SON-IN-LAW" BACK TO
THE TENDOU DOJO WHEN HE COMES TO PICK UP OUR THINGS. WHAT YOU WILL DO IS
THIS:
	IN THE TOP MOST DRAWER OF MY DESK IS THE DEED TO THE NEKOHANTEN. I
AM GIVING THIS TO YOU ON THE CONDITION THAT YOU DO NOT SELL THE RESTURANT
THAT WE HAVE BUILT. INSTEAD, FIND A WIFE AND SOME WORKERS AND SETTLE DOWN
HERE IN JAPAN. CHINA IS NOT A GOOD PLACE TO LIVE, CURRENTLY.
	ALONG WITH THE DEED ARE A FEW SMALL GOLDEN FIGURINES. YES, THEY ARE
RATHER COMMON AMONG THE NUJIEZU. I'VE CHECKED THEIR VALUE IN THIS COUNTRY
AND I AM PLEASED TO SAY THAT, IF SOLD SEPARATELY, THEY WILL GIVE YOU A TIDY
PROFIT. ONLY SELL THESE WHEN YOU ARE DESPERATE.
	YES, THIS IS A RATHER LARGE GIFT. AS WELL AS BEING A BRIBE FOR GOOD
BEHAVIOR, IT ALSO IS BACKPAYMENT FOR YOUR WAGES. NO ONE WILL DISPUTE I
DROVE YOU AS A SLAVE AND PAID YOU HARDLY ENOUGH TO BUY LUNCH OUT ONCE IN A
WHILE.
	I'M SORRY THAT THINGS HAPPENED RATHER ABRUPTLY. PLEASE, AID
SON-IN-LAW IN REMOVING SHAN PU'S AND MY POSSESSIONS. AND MU SI? DESPITE
BEING THE GREAT-GRANDSON OF TWO TYPES OF BLINDNESS, YOU REALLY AREN'T ALL
THAT BAD. FOR A MALE, OF COURSE. (signed) ELDER KHU LON OF THE FAMILY
CHAUKIKIANG.

	Mu Si blinked at the letter. The old ghoul had to have been joking.
He was sure she was joking. Mu Si grabbed his Shan Pu's letter. He hoped
she was joking.
	With trembling hands, Mu Si opened the other letter:

	HELLO, MU SI. (read his Shan Pu's script) MY HIBA-CHAN IS NOT
JOKING. AKANE IS HERE AS I WRITE THIS MESSAGE.(There was a break in the
letter where a round hand wrote in Japanese.) HELLO MOUSSE. THIS IS AKANE.
DO NOT KILL RANMA. THAT IS MY JOB.
	DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW? (his Shan Pu asked in Mandarin) I'M SORRY
THAT WE WILL BE LEAVING YOU OUT OF THIS, BUT THERE ARE SPACE CONCERNS.
BESIDES MY HIBA-CHAN, HAPPOSAI, AND MYSELF, IT IS LIKELY THAT ONLY TENDOUS
AND SAOTOMES WILL BE HIGHLY INVOLVED IN OUR TROUBLES.
	MU SI, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I DO INDEED CARE ABOUT YOU.
	I DO NOT LOVE YOU, NOT THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO. IT WOULD MAKE THINGS
INFINITELY EASIER IF I COULD, BUT YOU ARE A FRIEND TO ME AND NOTHING MORE.
MU SI, YOU ARE THE BROTHER I COULD HAVE HAD IF MY MOTHER HADN'T DIED AT THE
SQUARE.
	YOU ARE MY FIRST FRIEND. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. I HATE HAVING TO
TORTURE YOU SO, BUT THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP YOU FROM HOUNDING ME.
EVEN THEN IT DOESN'T WORK.
	I'M SORRY THAT I HAVE CAUSED YOU PAIN. KNOW THAT MY PAIN IS EQUALLY
GREAT FOR HAVING TO DANCE THIS WALTZ OF MADNESS WITH THE REST OF THE PEOPLE
OF NERIMA. I HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I REMAIN, (signed)
YOUR FRIEND, CHAUKIKIANG SHAN PU.

	Mu Si wept. He felt ashamed, but he hung his head and sobbed like a
baby. Like a weakling. Like a gelded man, as his family's saying went. It
was cruel indeed for one's hopes to be crushed in writing.
	Mu Si went to his book and drowned himself in the life of the great
master. He almost forgot to greet Ranma when the cursed boy and Tendou
Kasumi showed up with an automobile. Evidently, they had rented it for the
express purpose of moving a good portion of the Joketsuzoku women's
possessions into storage. The rest would either be willed to Mu Si or would
go to the dojo, via Kasumi's skill with the automobile. In less than two
hours the task was completed.
	Mu Si watched Ranma and Kasumi leave with a hollow feeling in the
pit of his stomach.

End Chapter Two

Next Chapter: "All's Fair . . ."

Notes from Malsin:
	Whew! Only took six months or so for that baby. I got stuck in July
midway through the War Council and only got unstuck some time in October.
Of course, I'll be releasing these in clumps so the only readers that
actually are effected by the time this took are my prereaders: Sam Ashley
and Jillian Byar.
	The end of this chapter provided my own view on the Mousse and
Shampoo thingy. The fact that Mousse loves Shampoo is obvious. With our
favorite purple-haired Joketsuzoku, though, matters are not as transparent.
I think she considers Mousse as a friend, but nothing more. Speaking
rationally, this can be used as a basis for a marriage, but I will not be
pairing the two up in this fic. Sorry.
	I also think Shampoo is smarter than she looks. If Cologne is
grooming her for the leader of the Chinese Amazons, then Shamps has gotta
have something going for her the field of smarts. Sure, she has trouble
with Japanese, but you've gotta remember that Shampoo's only been learning
it in the last year. Even with total immersion, I'm suprised she isn't
worse. I'm in my second year of Japanese class and I still only pick up
every fifth word. At least Shamps has a jump start kanji-wise.

Credit:
	Ranma Nibun no Ichi, Urusei Yatsura, and all related characters are
copyright Takahashi Rumiko.
	"The Lord of the Rings" and related characters were copyrighted
J.R.R. Tolkein, but since he's dead now I'm not sure who owns them. Mybe
his son Christopher. I guess I'll say the Tolkein Estate in general.
	The people that Ryouga and Ying-tse meet are cameos from a
Sailormoon fic I'm working on (the females) and currently infamous as well
as dead teen psychopaths (the males). Lest anyone think the inclusion of
the latter is flippant, I will state that it is my generation (we who just
missed out on X) that was hit hardest by what happened in Colorado. Let me
deal with it my own way.
	The concept of the Way of the Honorable Thief comes from a Lloyd
Alexander novel: the one about Prince Jen. I've misplaced my copy, so I
can't give you the actual title.
	"Rose," is a traditional round I learned at summer camp when I was
a wee thing. I do not know if it has an author. These things usually don't.
	Hopefully, the rest is verbatim Becky Malsin.